


Tastes so bitter

by Thatswherethelightgetsin



Category: The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 13:05:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12211878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswherethelightgetsin/pseuds/Thatswherethelightgetsin
Summary: They stood still and silent in his living room, staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Noel watched him closely as he felt the time ticking by slowly, the end lurking in the shadows and waiting to be given form through words that he'd known were coming for months. Years maybe. It was always going to come to this.Or a PWP about The Boosh breakup





	Tastes so bitter

Tastes so bitter

The glass smashed against the wall with a satisfying shower of liquid. He watched the red wine drip down the wall, tilting his head. It didn't look enough like blood for his liking. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Julian shouted, standing tall from where he'd hunched to avoid the projectile. 

He seemed genuinely confused, as though it weren't obvious. As though he hadn't just taken Noel's entire world and torn it up. As though it wasn’t lying on the floor between them like little pieces of confetti.

Noel wanted to laugh. He wanted to scream, to smash things. He wanted to poke Julian's eyes out. What was wrong with him? That was a good question. Something he’d been asking himself for years. But that wasn’t the whole question and it never had been. What was wrong with them was probably more apt. Too late to be asking that now. At the close.

“Fuck you,” he screamed because there wasn’t anything else left to say. “Get fucked and get the fuck out if that’s what you’re doing.”

Julian looked furious, ready to throw a punch. Noel watched him in the abstract, wondering if he could push him over the edge. A real fistfight might be just what he was after. Julian had never been physical with Noel before. Not in aggression at least. That was Noel’s deal. He lashed out, burnt bright and hot to the touch. Julian was cold. Biting, the sort of cold that would freeze you on sight. His way was to become quieter and quieter the angrier he got. Julian didn’t express his emotions outwardly. It meant they rarely had slanging matches, that one or the other of them would usually be able to find a path through the disagreement.

But that wasn’t for tonight. Tonight was the end. Noel was going to make sure of it. Finally, he was going to burn the whole thing to the ground around around them. He was finally going to get away. He just needed the right fuel and then just the right spark and everything would burn.

Then he’d be free. Well over a decade later, he’d finally be free of it, away from the pull of Julian and all his bullshit.

"You're being ridiculous," Julian said, trying for a reasonable tone but he was too angry to really pull it off. 

"Why don't you just go back to your boring fucking life," he replied, trying to match the level of Julian's voice. "Go to a fucking baby shower or whatever it is you do now." 

Julian's face went rigid and then flushed red. That was it. He'd found a way in. "I'm trying to talk to you about this. I'm not sure why I'm bothering because you're off your fucking head. But I wanted to-" 

No. Julian was backtracking. He always did this. He tried to leave Noel and then changed his mind at the last moment. Not this time. He wasn't going to let him. He couldn't wait for the whole thing to be done. "You came here to wriggle out of more work like always. And whatever. I don't fucking need you. I can do it alone." 

Another blow, he watched Julian's face as it hit, the scrunch of his eyes and tightness around his mouth. He felt triumphant. 

Julian reeled back. Then changed immediately into attack. Noel's heart leapt. "You'd bloody love that wouldn't you? You selfish little-" he ran out of words before a real insult. He was still holding back. 

"I would! Not dragging your corpse around with us, I'd fucking love it." He wanted to throw something else to drive the point home but there wasn't anything within reach. 

Julian's face broke for a moment. Noel could see the hurt he'd managed to inflict. That was Julian's weakness. Both of theirs really. The fear that maybe they were nothing on their own. That maybe it was the other one that had made it work. 

"Fuck you." It wasn't forceful enough. He'd managed to hurt Julian out of his fury and into his head. He turned and stalked to the other side of the office, stepping through the contract for the album release as he went. 

This wasn't the ending. Noel could feel that already. They hadn't finished anything at all. Julian wasn't ready to let him go and so he was going to be stuck waiting. He had to try again. 

"Walking away, Barratt? Such a man. Can't even deal with your own shit. Just get someone else to pick it all up for you." He tried to use Julian's own tone. Condescending and bored. Perhaps that would finally get through to him. Drive him to some final action. 

The moment stretched taught and silent. Noel held his breath. Then nothing. Julian breathed and Noel watched the rise and fall of his shoulders. 

 

Julian paused as he gathered his things. Noel watched him, mapped his frame, broad shoulders and hair curling at the nape of his neck, wondering when Julian would be back for him. How long he'd need to wait. 

It made his skin itch. 

"This is why I can't work with you at the moment," Julian said, not looking at him. "I don't know how to deal with you. I need some time." He picked his bag up and slipped it over his shoulder. Noel hated that bag. It was too old, falling apart and tattered but Julian refused to either stop using it or repair it.

"Fuck you," he spat. "This isn't on me. Fuck off." 

Julian glared at him and walked across the room. His boots landed with soft thumps as he went. Counting down the moments until he was gone again. 

The door slammed. 

***

He went out. That's what he did when the sun was starting to dip now. He didn't know the crush of people around him. That was better. He could be lost for a few hours. Other people's happiness was reflected back at him in flashes of light. He bathed in it, wrapped it around him like a cloak. 

When he got back to his flat he kicked off his boots and went to his paints. He wouldn't sleep and he was already dreaming anyway. Strange figures looming out of the darkness, ready to drag him away. Painting them might bring them closer or send them away. He wasn't sure. He wasn't even sure what he wanted. 

He didn't hear the knocking at the door at first. But he knew immediately who it was. He could feel him humming through his veins. 

Julian was leaning against the doorframe when he opened the door. Noel mapped his face, set into a mask of grief. He'd never seen the expression before, but he knew what it was. Knew it like he'd been seeing it all his life. 

He hadn't come to apologise. He was there to finish it once and for all. Noel's heart leapt to his throat in panic. But he couldn't form any words and Julian didn't seem to have any to offer either. 

Noel stood back from the door and Julian followed wordlessly behind him. He wondered if Julian had a speech prepared for the occasion. 

They stood still and silent in his living room, staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Noel watched him closely as he felt the time ticking by slowly, the end lurking in the shadows and waiting to be given form through words that he'd known were coming for months. Years maybe. It was always going to come to this. 

Julian was wearing the coat Noel had given him, a gift for getting renewed for the second series, because he was nothing if not casually cruel. Noel's heart beat hard in his chest, fluttering against his ribs like it was trying to escape and fly across the room to land on Julian's shoulder. 

"Noel." Julian's voice was quiet, hushed like he was at a funeral. He looked wrecked. 

Noel's heart twisted. It was what he'd wanted. It was something he'd hoped for since he'd realised Julian was lost to him. It had been months in the making but one day he'd looked at him across the stage and realised he was gone. He didn't belong to Noel anymore. But now it would be official. Julian was here to make it real. He'd hated the idea of waiting for this moment but now it was here he realised he should have delayed longer. He wasn't ready. 

Words clawed at Noel's throat, desperate and sad. Negotiations and denials. He wouldn't be able to change Julian's mind. He could see that already. But maybe they could agree to a break. Maybe they could... 

He swallowed the thoughts down and away. It was too late. There was only the goodbye left. 

He stepped forward on legs that hardly seemed to be working. Julian let out a huff of air as he stepped into his personal space. Noel had to tilt his head up to catch his eye. 

Julian looked terrified. He knew that look well from a thousand shows and meetings. Words swirled in the air between them. Furious, sad, futile words. Noel breathed them in softly and tipped up onto his toes.

He closed his eyes as he kissed Julian softly. He was still, feeling the gentle press of their lips. It was familiar and alien both; they'd kissed plenty of times but hardly ever just for the sensation of it and never to say goodbye. But then Julian seemed to wake from the stupor he'd been in since coming to the flat. His hands came up to Noel's hair and tangled there, drawing him in roughly. 

Noel's body hummed in Julian's arms. The familiar smell and feel of him pressed against Noel's body sent him tingling. They seemed to vibrate to a frequency that was just them. It felt like he might cry and suddenly he didn't want to think any more. 

He opened his mouth under the press of Julian's lips to feel the slide of his tongue against his own. He moved his hands to bunch the front of Julian's already rumpled shirt. His hands made little jerks, unsure if he wanted to pull him closer or push him away. 

"Noel," Julian whispered, breaking the kiss and pulling back, their lips still almost brushing. His voice was harsh and scared, breath ghosting across Noel's face. "I..." 

"I know," Noel nodded, forehead pressed to Julian's. "I know. Don't..." 

Julian knew what he meant. He always had. Words were always the problem. They'd have been better if they never spoke. He knew what Julian really meant when they were silent. It was when he spoke that Noel got confused. The words were always at odds with his eyes and actions. 

They were still for a moment, pressed together before Julian swallowed heavily and nodded. Then he was kissed Noel again. His lips hard and desperate as they pressed down, bending Noel back. His hands moved from Noel's hair, trailing down his back to grab his arse and bring him closer. 

This was the last act then. They'd been holding themselves back from this moment for years. Perhaps since the day they'd met. Waiting for when it wasn't going to destroy them. 

That day had never come. Instead the potential had done the work for them. Whatever they'd been was over and there was only this. Noel thought of the fire he'd been trying to light between them earlier. Perhaps this was the better way to do it: let the spark between them flare brightly once before it was sniffed out completely. 

He gave into it. He could let it burn for one night and the memory of it would be enough to keep him warm after everything else was gone. 

He moaned into the kiss and pushed off Julian's coat. It fell to the floor with a rustle of fabric. His fingers scrabbled at the buttons of Julian's shirt and they slipped through the holes easily after years of Julian's big fingers repeating the action over and over. He was desperate to feel Julian's skin, hot and smooth, under his hands. Once it was open, he didn't shove it off his shoulders, instead running his hands up Julian's stomach to his chest. 

Julian was taking his time to explore Noel's body through his clothes. The kind of touch they'd never allowed themselves. Taking his time. That was the difference between them. Julian liked to savour the moment, hold it back in case it was gone too soon. Noel didn't care. He wanted to experience everything hard and fast.

They met in the middle, they always had. Noel's hands moved to pull Julian's shirt off as Julian lifted Noel's t-shirt and slipped his hands under it. He could feel the trail of his fingers as they ran up over his hips to his chest, leaving goosebumps in their wake. 

The feeling of Julian pressed against him, his skin hot and breath coming in soft pants was almost too much, like a fevered dream come to life. There were so many things he wanted to say, to express, that he didn't know where to start. So he pushed them away and moved his hands to Julian's belt instead. 

Julian stilled for a moment before his hands shot out and grabbed Noel's, holding them in place. He rested his forehead against Noel's and panted, eyes screwed shut. "I don't want to hurt you," he whispered. "I didn't come here to-"

Noel didn't want to hear it. He knew why Julian had come. He knew what this was. It wasn't the start of something. It was the end. He knew that. But he couldn't hear Julian say it. 

"Please," he said, cutting him off. "I know," he breathed. "I know. But let's just... please." He punctuated the words with kisses, pressing them to Julian's jaw and neck, leaving a trail down to his shoulder. 

He felt Julian relax into his kisses, his hands dropping from where they were holding Noel's before coming back to slip under his t-shirt again. Noel took the opportunity to step back and pull it off entirely, dropping it onto the floor.

He looked back to meet Julian's eyes. They were dark and focused as they took him in. The light was low in the living room, but he could see the intensity of the stare, Julian's eyes darting over his body like he was trying to memorise the sight. They came back to together with a huff of breath and crush of lips. 

Julian didn't stop him when Noel went to his belt this time. His fingers fumbled with the fastening, unable to get purchase. He scowled and looked down to see his hands were shaking where they rested on the soft leather of the belt. He balled them into fists, flexed his fingers a few times, before trying again. He managed to undo the buckle, the metal clinking as he threaded the leather through it. His heart beat faster at the noise and its implications. 

Julian's breath hitched as Noel worked on the button of his jeans, his hands tightening where they rested in his hair. Then he was tugging him closer, rocking his hips forward. Noel licked his lips as he slipped a hand into Julian's jeans; he could feel him, hard and hot to the touch through his boxers. Julian groaned at the contact, his hips thrusting into Noel's hand and his hands tightening in his hair again. 

They needed to move out of the living room. He was acutely aware of the paint and canvases everywhere and lack of space to do much but stand in the centre of the room. But he was reluctant to move to his bedroom. The idea of this moment being interwoven with his room made him nervous. It was perhaps the last place he had that was completely separate from Julian. But then, maybe that was fitting. His world and Julian were one and the same anyway. This last boundary hardly mattered now. 

They'd been together in a lot of beds over the years. In Julian's huge bed writing their first ever material, filming Sweet, photoshoots and house parties. But never like this. Noel tried to hold all those moments in his mind. Their entire history, everything they'd ever done and achieved. How they used to feel about each other. He wanted to taste it when they kissed and, when Julian finally fucked him, he wanted to remember how it felt to have the future at their feet. 

He stepped back, reaching out to tug Julian along by the hand. He followed mutely behind, his footfalls loud in the silent flat. Noel flicked the lamp on in his bedroom and turned to draw Julian into another kiss. 

He kissed him hard, pressing their bodies together from chest to knee. Julian was malleable in his arms, sinking into the embrace easily. It was intoxicating that Julian would give himself so completely over, here at the end. But then he supposed that was just another way he was twisting the knife. Giving him everything just for it to be gone in the morning. 

They fell back onto his bed, their legs tangling and Julian landing mostly on top of him. It felt good to feel the weight of him, to know he was really there. Julian lifted himself on his arms, bracketed either side of Noel's head, and gazed down at him. They stopped moving when their eyes met, and Noel wondered what Julian saw when he looked at him. The regret and pain? Or the understanding? Both he thought, because Julian was kissing him again, hard and desperate. 

Noel reached between them and tried to tug down Julian's jeans, wanting to feel the length of him. There was a moment of lost contact where Julian lifted himself up and shrugged his jeans down and off. Then he paused, looking down at Noel intently. He stared back, meeting his gaze steadily. 

He wondered how completely this would destroy them. If they would ever be able to cobble a friendship or something like it from the ruins. He couldn't place the exact question in Julian's stare but he knew he was thinking the same thing. He arched his hips up in answer. 

It didn't matter. They'd never been able to explain what this thing was between them anyway. It was undefinable and it was over and he just wanted to forget for a moment. The friction was so good he closed his eyes and pushed up again. 

It seemed to jolt Julian into action as he began to unfasten Noel's jeans. He pulled them and his underwear off at the same time and then they were pressed together. Noel gasped and held Julian steady against him for a moment, trying to memorise the feeling. But Julian shifted, rubbing their cocks together and Noel let out a strangled moan. 

He opened his eyes again and found Julian staring down at him in something like wonder. He wanted to form some words, but he wasn't sure what so instead he shifted, rolling them over so he could straddle Julian's hips. He kissed his way down his body, letting his hands trail down in his wake. His fingers splayed over Julian's chest, then moved to tweak a nipple. He let Julian's hiss disperse into the quiet of the room before leaning down and taking the tip of his cock into his mouth. 

He'd thought of this, over the years. Of dropping to his knees and sucking him off. Trying to break some of that resolve Julian seemed determined to keep around him. It was gone now as he moaned and thrust his hips up. "Fuck," Julian hissed as Noel slid his mouth down his shaft slowly. "Fuck," he said again when Noel let him slide right down his throat and bottom out. 

He worked his way back up, licking the tip and savouring the taste, the smell and feeling of it. He moved his hands to stroke the base while the other played with his balls. Julian was making aborted motions with his hips, clearly desperate to thrust up. He slowly pulled up and sat back, to survey his handiwork. Julian had never looked so good as he did then, spread out below him, cheeks flushed and pupils blown wide. He felt a desperate pang at the thought: it was the last time he'd see him like this. Possibly the last time they'd ever be alone. 

He needed not to think again or he was going to do something drastic and ruin the last good moment they'd have. "I want you," he said, voice pitched low. He moved his hand to Julian's cock and gave it a slow stroke. "I want you to fuck me." 

 

Surprise flashed in Julian's eyes and he wondered why. Perhaps he'd thought that Noel would never want this. In truth he'd imagined it both ways over the years. But right now he didn't want to think. He wanted Julian to take control and look after him, one last time. 

He reached over to the draw beside his bed and fumbled for a moment before producing a bottle and foil wrapper. He pressed them into Julian's hands and leant down to kiss him hard again. 

Julian kissed him back, fucking his mouth with his tongue for a few minutes until Noel thought he was going to go crazy. Then he was rolling them over, reaching to pull a pillow under Noel's hips. He opened the bottle and kissed him hard again. Noel sucked in a breath at the feeling of the first finger entering him. He thrust down onto it. He'd always loved Julian's hands, his long fingers and blunt nails. He arched his back, wanting more, the slight burn not enough to stop him thinking. Of course Julian took his time. Easing in and out a few times before adding a second finger. 

"Yes," Noel muttered, pushing down and reaching out to grip Julian's wrist with both his hands. He wasn't sure what he wanted, other than 'more' and to feel where they were connected. When Julian scissored his fingers he screwed his eyes shut and groaned. By the third finger he was writhing and gripping the sheets. 

He didn't open his eyes until the fingers were removed. Julian was fumbling with the condom, a frown on his face. Noel reached up and plucked it from his hands. He opened it quickly and slid it down on Julian's cock. It was hard and leaking and Noel couldn't resist giving it a few long strokes as he coated it with lube. 

Julian's screwed his eyes shut and grabbed Noel's wrist firmly, stopping the motion. Noel let go and shifted under Julian, lifting his hips in invitation. Then Julian's hands were gripping Noel's hips, strong and firm as he positioned him. They were big enough to stretch up to his waist. Noel closed his eyes as Julian pressed forward. The stretch burned and he focused on that. Julian was big. Much bigger than the toys he'd used. He wondered how long he'd be able to feel it after he was gone. 

"I love you," he whispered as Julian started moving, because he couldn't hold it in any more. What was the point, now? Julian was gone already and he might as well add the final nail to the coffin. 

Julian moaned low as he bottomed out. "Fuck Noel," he muttered. "You feel..." 

Noel's eyes flew open again, wondering if Julian had even heard him. Julian was staring down at him, his eyes wild. "I love you," he repeated, wanting to make it clear. The desire to ruin the moment flaring like it always did when Julian refused to give him what he wanted. 

It was no different this time, of course. Julian stilled, buried inside him, big hands splayed across his hips but unwilling, unable to speak. Noel closed his eyes and pushed down letting the moment go. 

Julian only paused for a moment before he was moving again, lifting Noel off the bed to get better access before slamming back in. He gripped the sheets and tried to meet him thrust for thrust. Julian's breath was coming in muted gasps and Noel tried to soak the sound in. 

Then Julian was pulling out and moving Noel's leg over his shoulder before pressing back in. The angle was deeper and Julian was hitting his prostate with every thrust. Noel could hear himself moaning loudly. 

"Fuck Noel," he breathed into his ear. "So beautiful. Fuck. I wanted this, wanted you." 

Noel let out a gasp. "Ju," he breathed, hands moving over his back, trying to get purchase to pull him closer. It wasn't going to last much longer. Not this moment and not the feeling of closeness he'd always wanted but had never been able to get with him. "Wanna feel you come inside me," he whispered, "Wanna feel you." 

Julian's hips stuttered at his words. "Fuck." He hissed. Then he was reaching between them to take Noel's cock in hand. It only took a few strokes for Noel to arch up and come messily between them. 

He could feel Julian's hips starting to stutter, his thrusts getting more erratic but harder. "Noel, I-" he started but Noel pushed up and kissed him hard. He couldn't bear to hear the words. Not when they were all there was left. He could feel the moment Julian came, thrust deep inside him. 

They panted together, breathing each other's breath for a long moment before Noel collapsed back on the bed. Julian pulled out of him, and Noel scrabbled to pull him down on top of him, desperate to keep him close. He was too heavy, but he found the weight reassuring, confirming that what had just happened was real. 

They were sweaty and Noel's come was smeared between them, but it was perfect. The crowning moment of their relationship. Julian rolled off him, divested himself of the condom, and then tugged Noel over so he was pillowed on Julian's chest. Noel went easily, closing his eyes and listening to the beat of Julian's heart. They lay like that, Julian's hand running through Noel's hair for a long time. They didn't speak. There wasn't anything left to say. 

The sky outside his window was beginning to lighten. Julian would need to leave soon. He turned the idea over in his mind. The finality of it didn't seem to stick. It ran off his thoughts like oil, slick and unpleasant. He moved in closer to him, breathing him in and Julian's arms tightened around him in response. 

He didn't sleep, but he closed his eyes and let his breathing even out, and didn't move when he felt Julian begin to shift. He kept them closed as he moved around the room, pulling his clothes on. He didn't open them when he felt Julian pause. He imagined him, watching him sleep in the bed, and wondered what he saw, what he felt he was leaving behind. He wouldn't ask and Julian would probably never say anyway. 

He didn't open his eyes until he heard the front door close. Then he got up from the bed and made his way to living room. Julian's coat was lying on the floor where he'd left it. He carefully picked it up and hung it next to the door. A phantom of the past. 

He watched it for a long time. He'd thought he was saying goodbye but now it was clear that wasn't it at all. The spark wasn't gone. It was still there, banked under layers of pain and fear, but real and hot all the same.

Noel knew now that he wasn't going to give up on Julian. The piece of himself that he'd given to him years ago would always belong to Julian and his messy hair and too small eyes and too big hands. It was a state of being, baked into him along with his need to tell stories and show-off. 

Because it was clear they weren't finished. The fire wasn't dead. He just needed to wait for the right time for it to spark back into life. 

In the meantime he’d move himself into the peripheries of Julian’s world. He would buy a flat on his street. He’d wait, they were too tied together for Julian to ever really be rid of him. They both knew it. Maybe that's why Julian hadn't formed words to even pretend it was. 

So Noel would carry whatever was between them, somewhere between true love and a vendetta, for as long as he had too. Until Julian was ready to come back. He could wait. The ember would keep him warm until then. 

End


End file.
